Mother Dear

This evening we went to visit my dad and stepmom. I realized when we got home that my daughter will grow up calling my stepmom MiMi, and that she will never truly know her birth maternal grandmother. Why? Because my mom was apparently unable to pull herself from the pits of manic depression. She couldn't handle the real world, so she took her own life. My mom shot herself when I was 16 years old. She missed seeing me graduate, she missed my wedding, she missed my divorce, my second wedding, and the birth of her first grandchild. Call me selfish, but I wanted my mom to be there for these things. I wanted to be able to see her be proud of me when I got my diploma. I wanted to hear her tell me that she couldn't believe her little girl was growing up and getting married. I wanted to have her shoulder to cry on when my first marriage was failing and I felt completely alone in the world. I wanted her to share the joy when I found happiness again and remarried. I wanted her to be in the delivery room to hold her first grandchild, to hear my baby cry for the first time, to hold her and to love her as much as she loved me. Yep, I wanted my mom there for all that. Often I wonder what my life, her life would have been like if she was still here. Would she have ever learned that she could be stronger than the depression? Or would she have eventually succumbed to the internal battle anyway? I'll never know, however I do know that I miss her. One day I will have to explain to my daughter the her mommy's mom is no longer here. And eventually I will explain to her why grandmom isn't here. Hopefully, I can keep my composure and not completely break down and became angry at my mom again.